How do people live every day life with depression?

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Answered by: Carly, An Expert in the Depression: True Stories Category
No one ever tells us as we are growing up how hard life really is. Every day people go through hardships from being bullied to living without a home. As kids we found it easy to have hope for our futures because we were told that nothing could stop us from pursuing our dreams. As we grow older we begin to realize that the expectations we had as children aren't always realistic. For most people, it is simple to accept the new reality and start fresh with new ideas and goals. For a young adult with depression, the dreams that we used to believe as reality, now become nightmares.

I was thirteen years old when I began noticing my decline. At the time I couldn't put words to how I was feeling; the term depression was foreign to me. I was a young girl who should have been finding herself, when all I could really find was my hope fading and my life crumbling at my feet. At the time I didn't realize how unhappy I was with my life. The decline happened slowly without my realizing, unable to see the changes I was going through. I finally accepted that something was wrong when my grades began to drop and my friends slowly faded away.

I started to fear the way I was feeling and the way it was affecting my life, so I found my own way of coping. I was too afraid and ashamed to admit that I was unhappy, so I decided to hide it from everyone. Tucking away such strong emotions wasn't easy at first and it took some time to perfect the walls I had built around myself. By the time I was fourteen I had learned to project a false personality. Inside I was hurting, but to others I was carefree and happy.

Learning to repress my emotions was probably the worst mistake I ever made. It was unhealthy for me to hold back so much and not let anyone in. I was too afraid of losing my friends again to let my guard down and I had never felt comfortable talking to my parents about personal topics. By the time I had perfected my ability to hide my true feelings, I had also perfected my first suicide note. With so many emotions kept hidden, I needed some way of venting and writing became a way of telling someone how I felt without the risks of exposure. I wrote my first suicide note with no plan to kill myself, but with a lot of pain that I didn't understand.

I didn't put a diagnosis on my emotions until a friend who also had depression pointed it out to me when I was having a bad night. It came as a shock to me that he would suggest such an idea, but more so that he noticed I wasn't okay. Acceptance didn't come right away, but he was persistent. I eventually agreed to seeing a doctor and starting on antidepressants. The medication seemed to help at times but didn't have the results that I had truly hoped for. I was never consistent with the prescription and I admit that I still am not to this day. I had a lot of ups and downs in the following years, never truly understanding what caused me to feel so much pain.

To this day I still do not understand why I have depression. It has been six years of living every day with pain that I have never understood. Every day life with depression has taken it's toll and I have spent six years fighting with the thought of suicide, the urge to self harm, and the inability to feel hope for my future. It has also taken me six years to realize that I can't do it by myself and that there is no shame in asking for help.

Coping with depression is a problem that a lot of people have and the people who don't, usually have a hard time understanding. I live every day of my life in pain because of reasons that are unknown to me. For people with depression, life is a self-defeating process. Every day we struggle to get up and start our day. We lack the motivation to do things that may be able to help us, and we then make ourselves worse off in the process. Depression is a disease that, unless treated and cared for every day, will continue to grow and get worse over time. My every day life with depression is a struggle that may never end unless I take steps to prevent that. I plan to defeat it, and when I do, I will finally feel hope.

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