What is it like living with depression?

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Answered by: Darcy, An Expert in the Depression: True Stories Category
What is it like living with depression? That is a question that many of us ask but not all of us know the answer to. I am here to tell you that I am able to give you that answer. At the young age of five, I was diagnosed with depression. I don't remember much about what it was like living with the depression given that I was so young but, what I do know is that I was very isolated and angry. I never played with anyone, never laughed, and was quick to get angry. I was probably 13 years old when I first actually 'felt' depression. I would wake up, feeling this overwhelming amount of self hatred and to be honest, I felt sick. I felt like I couldn't get out of bed. When I was in class at school, I wouldn't talk to anyone, I never made friends and I would spend my entire day starring out a window wondering how soon I could climb back into my bed. As soon as I got home, I did just that. I got into bed and didn't move. I didn't eat or interact with family. Every time someone would talk to me, I would get annoyed and break down crying because I didn't feel mentally strong enough to handle anything anyone said to me. Overtime, depression started calling me ugly, fat, stupid, and slutty. I started to starve myself and make myself throw up to appease the needs of my depression. It controlled me. I constantly compared myself to others and then depression would remind me of how worthless I was. Now that I am an adult, it is easier for me to fight depression. Some days I wake up, hoping to die and then other days I wake up wondering why I allowed depression to take over my life. Depression is like having an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. You never know when the devil is going to take over and when it does, it sure makes you feel terrible. I still like to spend all day in bed when I am feeling depressed. My mind racing with thoughts about every bad situation I have ever been through and I remind myself of all my flaws. That's what ldepression is, it's that voice in your head that tells you that you are stupid on days when the angel is away and it's that voice that tells you that you are too sick and worthless to get out of bed and do your daily tasks. I tell people that I only see the sunlight on days when I am not depressed. When I am depressed, everything is dark and hostile. I only notice the bad things in the world when I am depressed. Depression is walking outside on a sunny day but not being able to see the sun, you actually only see darkness and rain. Depression is a dark burden to carry. It attacks your self esteem, makes you feel worthless and lonely and makes you sit there and cry yourself to sleep at night wondering what is wrong with you. Depression is hard because you want to feel good about yourself but you can't. Depression is like wanting to get out of bed to feed your children, but physically and mentally being unable to. Depression is fighting with yourself to accept yourself. It is very hard living with depression but we are all more worthy than what depression makes us feel we are.



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